I don't believe in New Years resolutions. I think they are overrated and hard to keep. I think they set us up for failure, and I don't like failure. But this year I need a change, a big change, a giant change. Not a resolution to eat less or save more or keep a perfect house. I don't want to make a promise I know deep inside I will never ever keep.
I'm tired of doing that to myself. In fact, I'm really tired of doing a lot of things to myself. I'm tired of feeling overwhelmed, unorganized, and out of sync. I'm tired of working so hard that I have nothing left in the tank for me, for my family. I'm tired of my own high standards and ideals. I'm tired of Facebook and phony friends I would never speak to if I saw them on the street. I'm tired of burring my flaws and pretending I'm on the brink of perfect. I'm tired of selling the real me out.
Truth is, I miss me. I miss reading and knitting and thrifting and sewing. I miss going for walks and sledding and running and golfing and skiing. I miss cooking and baking. I miss music and concerts and festivals and dancing in the living room. I miss writing and blogging and taking pictures. I miss Turbo and Nate and Rex and Lucy. And that scares me.
I am doing all of these things. I am baking and knitting and taking the pictures. I am spending time with my family and friends. But I'm not enjoying it. Instead, while I should be living I am consumed by what I have to do next. I'm worried about a clean house and a big bank account and being sick and paying bills and how the hell I am ever going to deal with work tomorrow.
Instead of being me I have become exactly what I feared most, I've become obsessed with making more and having more. Obsessed with work and accolades. Obsessed with nice things and cute outfits and cuter kids that do super cool things. I've exploited the things I love most about myself and used them make me sound better than I am. Somewhere in the shuffle of my life I let this new person take over. And I hate it.
I need a change. A big change. A giant change. No promises, no lists, no binders. No talking, no complaining, no planning. I just need to do it. I need to let go of the stuff that doesn't matter, that will never matter. I need to quit doing things I despise and get back to doing what I love. I need to turn the passion I have for being perfect into a passion for happiness. I need to learn to be okay with where I am and trust where I am going. I need to be present for my family, my life, my work.
I am frustrated and angry with the way things are. I am worried and afraid for the future if they continue this way. I don't need a resolution, I need a revolution. May the best me win.
