Every once in a while I think about how I got here. How I got to be the kind of person I am, with the perspective I have, and the strength that accompanies some very independent thinking.
I think about how, when you are young, you are continuously told to do the 'right' thing, to do what is 'expected', to make 'smart' decisions. You have to go to college, say no to drugs, associate only with 'good' people. I think about the pressure that comes with all of this. Pressure from every angle to do this, avoid that. I think about the inner conflict to listen to the advice, but find your own way. It is tremendously hard to do everything and please everyone and still remain true to yourself, to your dreams and desires, hopes and wishes.
I know that I did not follow the rules. I fought against the pressure. I said yes to some 'wrong' things, said no to some 'good'. I did things that certainly were not expected, made a handful of 'bad' decisions. I had a hard time following the 'right' path.
I am not rebellious, at least I don't think so. I just don't like to be told what to do. I don't understand what makes some things 'right' and others 'wrong'. I don't understand when or how some individual became the supreme authority on how a life should be led, or who decided what was an acceptable path to follow.
Obviously, there are things we should all avoid. Damaging things, hurtful things, unlawful things. But the other stuff?
Why is it so important that I follow the beaten path? When did it become so horrible to make your own? Why in the world is money so darn important? I understand you need some, but do you have to let it dominate your existence? Do you have to go to college? What ever happened to learning a trade and becoming successful at that? Who decided the only way to be happy is to fall in love, get married, and have a baby? If it doesn't work that way for you are you destine to a life of agony and solitude? Or what if it doesn't follow that order? Does that mean you and your children are damaged goods?
So many unanswerable questions because there is no way to justify why. Follow the path because it guarantees success and security? Not always. Make the money to be happy and comfortable? Says who? Go to college to get a good job? If you're lucky. Fall in love, marry, have kids? Seen the divorce statistics lately? That is my problem with the 'right' way. It's no more of a guarantee than anything else.
I didn't follow the path. Sure, I would do some things differently. I would have gotten a job while I aimlessly tried to figure out what to do when I grew up. I would have made sure I always put myself first. But that's it.
Otherwise, I don't regret any of it. Every pitfall, every decision, every success made me who I am now. I got the degree, got the job, got the guy, eventually. I even got enough money to happily make it from day to day.
But I also got experience, perspective, advice.
Along my way I met a man at an NA meeting while escorting a handful of wayward teens to his group. Though I sat outside the doors and missed every detail of their discussion, he thanked me for coming and mentoring these young people. He assured me that even though my work can be frustrating, it was people like me who made a real difference in lives of kids like them. He said sometimes you say some little thing to some unsuspecting person at the perfect time that has the ability to change their life forever. Immediately, his words impacted mine.
In the time since, I recall little conversations where this was just the case. My great-grandmother telling me about the depression and scarcity of luxuries. My grandparents talking about life and war in Europe. My aunt explaining to us young people that we can't expect to have everything our parents do with the profits from our first real job. Teen moms trying to do their best for their children. Victims of abuse trying to escape a vicious cycle. Words of wisdom from people who may not ever have considered themselves wise, people who may not ever have been given the time of day by anyone else.
The quality of your life is not determined by the path you follow, but your willingness to be open to the things that come your way. It's about opportunity and acceptance, hard work and resilience. Accepting your success, but also your mistakes as part of how you got to where you are.
I didn't follow the rules, didn't do what was expected, didn't make all the smart choices. But everything I have done is out there for everyone to see. There are no secrets, there is no shame, there are no regrets. It's all mine, I own every bit of it, and I accept it as how my life was meant to be.
Some people will follow the rules, they will follow the path, and they will be happy. Others will not. They'll be black sheep like me, but they'll be just as happy.
Rex had his first t-ball game. Our little guy scored lucky number 13 for his way-to-large jersey and, because ABC order is not an R's favorite means of organization, bats last. Not that this is bad, the last batter gets to run all of the bases, thus providing our little child with the idea that he is a t-ball superstar because he hits home runs.
