Job Description

When I took Spot to the Dr. yesterday I was asked to look over some forms. In huge big black letters under my name and info I read the most infuriating word...

UNEMPLOYED

It immediately made me angry. I had to hold back every inch of my being from crossing it off and writing UNPAID in the employment space.

So I don't have a job I get paid for. It hardly means I don't work. I bust my little fanny every day, doing much more than this little chickadee sitting on her own bottom answering phones and browsing my insurance card.

I didn't make the change, despite the pen gravitating toward that space every chance it got.

I also resisted the urge to tell everyone in the office what I thought about my current position of unemployment. I wanted to shout at them and tell them exactly what 'unemployed' means in my world. 'Cause it sure as hell doesn't mean 'out of work'. I wanted to go over the things I have done this week. To compare them to what they do from sunrise to sunset Monday through Friday.

Since I'm a bit of a wiener, I didn't do that either.

But if I would have, this is how I would have done it...

(ME:) Excuse me Ms. Chickadee, but there is a mistake here. I am not UNEMPLOYED, I have a job I am incredibly good at.

(CHICKADEE:) Well Mrs. E, please write down what you do in the space provided.

(M) I'm afraid I can't fit everything into that teensy little box because I do so damn much every day that if I tried I would need a bazillion extra pieces of paper.

(C) How about if you just tell me then.

(M) Well, don't say I didn't warn you...

Today I woke up at 4:30 am. I fed Lucy, changed her, played with her. (NANNY) I made coffee for myself, Turbo & Lisa and put away the clean dishes from last night. (MAID) I checked my email & bloggerdom, had my first cup of coffee before 5 am. (15 min mandatory break time) I woke up Turbo, woke up the boys. (ALARM CLOCK) I made eggs & toast for the boys. (PERSONAL CHEF) I carried Lucy around, while I helped round up Nate's stuff for school (PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR). I rounded up laundry, started load of laundry. (LAUNDRESS) Bathed and dressed Rex, then Lucy. Put Lucy down for a nap. (NANNY, again) I paid the bills and balanced the weekly budget. (ACCOUNTANT) Created a pattern for a crayon case, cut fabric for said case, sewed the case, photographed case. (CRAFTER, SEAMSTRESS, PHOTOGRAPHER) While I did this I helped Rex do 2 puzzles and play reading games on PBSKids.com. (TEACHER) I moved all of my computer files, including Lisa's & Nate's, onto a new external hard drive. (IT PROFESSIONAL) I folded first batch of laundry, started another. (LAUNDRESS, again) I made lunch for Rex, more coffee for me, mashed an avocado for Lucy. (PERSONAL CHEF, again) I took the kids outside to play with the dog. (DOG SITTER) Checked over the newly planted garden and flowers. (GARDENER) Taught Rex about asparagus & chives, let Rex try fresh asparagus & chives. Showed Lucy some flowers, let her touch & explore lilacs. (TEACHER, again) I took a shower and got dressed. (30 min mandatory lunch break) But the kids were in the bathroom with me, so I sang the ABC song and counted to 147 with Rex. (TEACHER, again) I also jumped out of the shower once to get a toy Lucy dropped. (NANNY, again) Started slow cooker dinner. (PERSONAL CHEF, again) I folded second batch of laundry, started another. (LAUNDRESS, again) I took Spot to the Dr., where I helped Rex write a letter in the waiting room, and then went with the kids to the library. (CHAUFFEUR, TEACHER, again)

At this point her head may have exploded, but I still had another half of the day left. If she came home with me she would have also heard about the job I have after 3 pm. My second shift job.

When I got home from our field trip I...

Cleaned up a mess the dog made while we were gone, did dishes, vacuumed floor. (MAID, again) Played with Lucy, did mini art project with Rex. (TEACHER, again) Blogged about the Dr. trip. (15 min mandatory break time) Talked to Nate about his day, fed Lucy dinner, sent the boys out to play. (NANNY, again) Made a salad, laid out appropriate healthy options for dinner. (PERSONAL CHEF, again, DIETITIAN) Ate dinner. (30 min mandatory dinner break) Read over sewing & business books from library while Lucy played. (RESEARCHER) I folded third batch of laundry. (LAUNDRESS, again) Took Lucy to bed. (NANNY, again) Went to bed at 8 pm, read a little bit of a book. (QUITTING TIME)

But, Lucy didn't go to bed. So I stayed up and tried to put her to sleep. (NANNY, again) And Nate needed help on a project for school. (TEACHER, again) And Rex got in trouble. (TEACHER, again, but this time the PRINCIPAL) And Lucy still wouldn't fall asleep for me, so I read her a book. (TEACHER, again) Then I took her to Turbo because I could not put in anymore overtime without it severely effecting my job performance. So I went to bed at 10:30 pm, read a little more of a book. (QUITTING TIME, again)

(M): So you see Chickadee, this is what I do. In 1 day. It does not include the extra hours I put in in the middle of the night when Spot refuses to sleep, nor does it include the mountains of diapers I change or bottles I feed. It says nothing about shopping excursions, sick days (and please don't read that as my sick time, because I don't have any), horribly naughty kid days.

Now, I do understand that this was a choice. A responsibility that I opted to take, a job I knowingly accepted. But so help me god, if you call me UNEMPLOYED ever again I am going to make 'Going Postal' sound like a day at the beach compared to 'Going Stay-at-home-mom'.