Every once in a while I think about how I got here. How I got to be the kind of person I am, with the perspective I have, and the strength that accompanies some very independent thinking.
I think about how, when you are young, you are continuously told to do the 'right' thing, to do what is 'expected', to make 'smart' decisions. You have to go to college, say no to drugs, associate only with 'good' people. I think about the pressure that comes with all of this. Pressure from every angle to do this, avoid that. I think about the inner conflict to listen to the advice, but find your own way. It is tremendously hard to do everything and please everyone and still remain true to yourself, to your dreams and desires, hopes and wishes.
I know that I did not follow the rules. I fought against the pressure. I said yes to some 'wrong' things, said no to some 'good'. I did things that certainly were not expected, made a handful of 'bad' decisions. I had a hard time following the 'right' path.
I am not rebellious, at least I don't think so. I just don't like to be told what to do. I don't understand what makes some things 'right' and others 'wrong'. I don't understand when or how some individual became the supreme authority on how a life should be led, or who decided what was an acceptable path to follow.
Obviously, there are things we should all avoid. Damaging things, hurtful things, unlawful things. But the other stuff?
Why is it so important that I follow the beaten path? When did it become so horrible to make your own? Why in the world is money so darn important? I understand you need some, but do you have to let it dominate your existence? Do you have to go to college? What ever happened to learning a trade and becoming successful at that? Who decided the only way to be happy is to fall in love, get married, and have a baby? If it doesn't work that way for you are you destine to a life of agony and solitude? Or what if it doesn't follow that order? Does that mean you and your children are damaged goods?
So many unanswerable questions because there is no way to justify why. Follow the path because it guarantees success and security? Not always. Make the money to be happy and comfortable? Says who? Go to college to get a good job? If you're lucky. Fall in love, marry, have kids? Seen the divorce statistics lately? That is my problem with the 'right' way. It's no more of a guarantee than anything else.
I didn't follow the path. Sure, I would do some things differently. I would have gotten a job while I aimlessly tried to figure out what to do when I grew up. I would have made sure I always put myself first. But that's it.
Otherwise, I don't regret any of it. Every pitfall, every decision, every success made me who I am now. I got the degree, got the job, got the guy, eventually. I even got enough money to happily make it from day to day.
But I also got experience, perspective, advice.
Along my way I met a man at an NA meeting while escorting a handful of wayward teens to his group. Though I sat outside the doors and missed every detail of their discussion, he thanked me for coming and mentoring these young people. He assured me that even though my work can be frustrating, it was people like me who made a real difference in lives of kids like them. He said sometimes you say some little thing to some unsuspecting person at the perfect time that has the ability to change their life forever. Immediately, his words impacted mine.
In the time since, I recall little conversations where this was just the case. My great-grandmother telling me about the depression and scarcity of luxuries. My grandparents talking about life and war in Europe. My aunt explaining to us young people that we can't expect to have everything our parents do with the profits from our first real job. Teen moms trying to do their best for their children. Victims of abuse trying to escape a vicious cycle. Words of wisdom from people who may not ever have considered themselves wise, people who may not ever have been given the time of day by anyone else.
The quality of your life is not determined by the path you follow, but your willingness to be open to the things that come your way. It's about opportunity and acceptance, hard work and resilience. Accepting your success, but also your mistakes as part of how you got to where you are.
I didn't follow the rules, didn't do what was expected, didn't make all the smart choices. But everything I have done is out there for everyone to see. There are no secrets, there is no shame, there are no regrets. It's all mine, I own every bit of it, and I accept it as how my life was meant to be.
Some people will follow the rules, they will follow the path, and they will be happy. Others will not. They'll be black sheep like me, but they'll be just as happy.
1 comment:
Nothing against those who choose the safety in numbers/well worn path approach to life. It’s just that that route, to those of us who HAVE to venture out into uncharted territory, feels like a confining prison.
It’s no secret either that I’ve taken very different routes from the norm. I too have experienced a lot, learned even more and regret little. Add in that I am somewhat rebellious as well. Not against everything but against those things that just don’t make sense. Example: I find censorship wrong. Not that I think kids should be exposed to inappropriate materials, but it is their parents’ responsibility, not mine. How is an exposed breast sssooooo much worse than people eating disgusting things solely for money or pervasive acts of blood-splattering violence?
Speaking of responsibility: In my black sheepedness, I have taken responsibility for everything I’ve done. Just days ago, two older teens in Seattle who threw rocks at freeway cars down below them because they were bored. They knew exactly what they were doing. There’s video of them doing it, being caught in the act while doing it and yet both plead “not guilty.” At nineteen they claim they didn’t understand that throwing rocks at windshields of cars traveling at high speeds could cause damage and/or death. REALLY??? I’m tired of allegedly “upstanding” citizens who get caught with their hands in proverbial cookie jars only to try to shirk responsibility for it. If you have the balls to do something, have the balls to take responsibility for it. PERIOD. I don’t care about your well-crafted façades.
We are all where our actions have taken us. The good news in that is you can alter course at any time to reach a different, hopefully better, destination. One that works for you and is true to who you are (but first you have to know who that is - and not what others try to tell you that is). Most accept me as I am and few feel empowered to chastise me. I feel sorry for the latter because I understand their reactions come not from how I live my life (since it bears absolutely no repercussions on theirs) but rather because they are too afraid to forge their own paths. It takes strength to stand out there and withstand the judgemental comments. But I won’t deny who I am for anyone.
I suppose in the end the world needs a balance of both: those who explore and those who follow the group. Just as long as everyone’s in the proper set and not denying themselves in order to fit into one group or the other.
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